my grandmother died. I lost myself that day. It still hurts like hell. I miss you Grandma!

for me, at least. I just can not seem to comprehend all the logistic mumbo jumbo they throw at me such as commutative laws, coefficients, distributive properties, factor this, simplify that... The lessons may as well be in Chinese, for as well as I am understanding them, To think that I was so looking forward to getting out of all of those theory classes where there is nothing to do but read the text and write papers! How I long for a good long paper right now! And as if I had enough trouble comprehending my lessons for algebra, my husband and children can not seem to understand why their obnoxiously loud television show from one room (directly behind me), animated robotic voices blaring from another room (directly beside me), running around, screaming and yelling at each other, incessantly dropping coins on the coffee table, wanting this and that, and other pandemonium makes me freak out while trying to comprehend the video lectures on algebra. These things just do not mix! I have been tediously picking apart each section and subject matter for the last six days, asking my husband to watch the kids, asking the kids to keep it down, play quietly, or go to their room, and yet I might as well be talking to a brick wall! But yet, four out of those six days, I managed to work on homework, do laundry, clean up the house, watch the kids, and keep them quiet so dear hubby could nap on the couch. So today, as I am attempting to absorb what I consider complicated - and confusing - subject matter and hell is breaking loose around me, DH gets all pissy and moodily drags the kids upstairs when I finally break and scream, "What the FUCK?!" as they are all being obsessively loud and obnoxious. And I'm the one in the wrong for flipping! DH wonders why I say that my schooling doesn't matter - well, it's obvious by the lack of consideration I am getting in reference to my homework, coursework, lectures, and readings that it really doesn't matter to any of them, least of all him. It appears that as long as he gets to do his gardening, piddle around in the garage, and watch his boob tube that his world is peaches and cream - with me desperately attempting to get everything (cooking, cleaning, dishes, laundry, reading, homework, lectures and child care, including diapering, bathing, feeding, playing and attention) done 'in my spare time'. What I wouldn't give for a good set of headphones at the very least! Having my computer - where ALL of my schooling is done - in a room where I could close the door instead of in the common room where everything goes on (we only have two bedrooms that have doors, the rest of our living area is a great room including kitchen, dining area, living room and a pool table that is only used as a catchall) would be wonderful! However, as there is not enough space in our bedroom, this is not an option. I have even seriously entertained the notion of placing my computer in the bathroom to get some peace and quiet, but that's just gross and not really an option. At this point, I would settle for a good set of headphones that at least offer some kind of ambient noise reduction. I am really not sure I can continue on with this class if my family can not understand why I need all this time online, and give me some consideration when I am attempting to makes sense of this jumble of letters and numbers they call algebra.

Ummm, yeah. Today has been a day of revelations. I found out from a cousin (who come to find out, isn't my actual cousin, but a 'step-cousin' as my uncle adopted her when she was four) I never really knew a whole bunch of skeletons that have been hiding in the family closet. I now know why my dad's side of the family hates us - more particularly my dad, and that I may have another brother out there (or he's my cousin, don't know and nobody wants to find out for sure...) who lives in Somonauk and is ostracized by his "dad" because he's a thief and is openly socially gay, as it was put to me. ("not like uncle david gay" lol, I find that statement funny...but you'd have to know my uncle to get it). I also found out that one of my uncles who I never really knew wants to get to know me, my husband and our kids...I'm just  - wow. This all has come to light since about 2pm, so I still don't fully grasp any of it. I just keep flipping it over and over in my head "I may have two brothers" and "so my extended famliy on my dad's side hates us because of something my dad did before he married my mom?"... Ugh. What to do with this info...Do I confront my father for what he did and see if he owns up to all of it/any of it? Do I confront my mother for lying to us all these years? Should I call my uncle tomorrow like he wants me to? I don't know...

Here's the conversation we had on facebook today (mind you, I have never really talked to this person in my whole life, so, uh, yeah...)

C

stop being lazy and get your homework done

2:42pmDeidre

lol - I have part of it done...what can I say? I'm a procrastinating multitasker...

2:43pmC

lol

2:44pmDeidre

what r u up to?

2:44pmC

sitting at work bored outta my gourd talking to you and tommy p

2:46pmDeidre

no one looking for new sleeping arrangements, I take it?

2:47pmC

not in the rain ugh

2:48pmDeidre

I wouldn't mind the rain so much if it would at least thunder and lightning - or if it was warm enough to play in...silent, cold rains just suck!

2:49pmC

well it isnt cold rain today.....it is on the warm side but not nearly as warm as the rain in puerto rico was

2:50pmDeidre

It's on the chilly side here...PR? Must be nice there! Were you there recently?

2:51pmC

a few weeks back...i went with my fiance....well...before....he broke our engagement off in april

2:51pmDeidre

Ugh! I'm sorry! What happened?

2:52pmC

he is jsut a privacy invading childish irresponible jerk

2:53pmDeidre

Wow - good thing it didn't work out, I guess...what did he do to deserve a title like that?

2:54pmC

hmm hacked my email....ran a background check on me, bailed on the rent...cheated on me with some young little fat chick..wants to stay out till 5 am and me not get worried upset or accusatory.....well 2 and a 1/2 years wasted

2:55pmDeidre

Whoa - yeah, I hope you kicked that jerk to the curb! What an ass!

2:56pmC

now that i dont cry anymore for him he wants to talk about it and work things out.......i guess he realized who has the money and who was paying the bills

ooopssss and it wasnt him

2:57pmC

ok so.......

2:58pmDeidre

lmao! seems like we all run into one of those at some point in our lives - my ex-fiance expected me to cook, clean, work, pay all the bill, etc while he went and had all the fun when I lived in PA(cheating, lying, petty bastard!) lol

But now he's where he deserves to be and I'm here with Jim, so, yeah...I'd say it all works out in the end..

3:00pmC

yep that sounds about exactly like what is going on here.....i work 70 hours a week i do all the cookng the cleaning and the laundry, paying of over 85% of the bills and he is the one out running around with his friends 2-4 days a week and doesnt come home any earlier than 230 am

what goes around comes around 10 fold

3:01pmC

oh and just so you know.....the problem that caused the family breach had nothing to do with your mom...she is innocent....it was all your dad.

3:02pmDeidre

yep - that's about where I was, but I was the only one bringing money in and he got to play all week while I worked from 7am til 11pm...

3:02pmC

ugh

i work 9:30 to 9:30 sometimes longer

3:03pmDeidre

Really? Hmmm, interesting. Can I ask what he did, cause my mom's the real bitch behind things... :P

3:03pmC

oh hey.....i will be out your way on friday i have to go to ralph's

it was actually what happened before les marired your mom

he did something unexcusable to my dad on my dads wedding night to his first wife.

3:04pmDeidre

wow - this is a long-standing feud, huh?

Hmmm, I think I might have an idea - would it be that he defiled the new bride?

3:04pmC

yeah the whole family shunned your dad for a very long time.

yeah...there is cause to believe that my dads son jason might not be ralphs but instead les's

3:06pmDeidre

wow, kind of surprising, but strangely enough...not too surprising. Rather, it kind of explains a lot more than just that...confirms some suspicions that I had about things.

3:08pmC

ahh....well no one wanted to tell you...or philip....and that was kinda why your mom was always so bitchy

3:08pmDeidre

(Now I understand why you said not to bring it up to your dad...) Just out of curiosity, do you have any pics of Jason that I could see sometime? I'm curious about the resemblance now...(yes, curiosity killed the cat, meow!)

3:09pmC

my brother jason had a heart condition and had heart surgery when he was 5 years old.

3:09pmDeidre

Well, truth be told, that wasn't the last occurance to rock this section of the fam - rumor has it (between me and phill) that there are many more

3:09pmC

we never knew jason till he was 20.....he is a openly gay male who lives in somonauk

3:09pmDeidre

Really?

3:09pmC

yeah

ralph kinda kicked him outta his life one for being a thief...and two for being way too gay....not like uncle david gay but more openly social gay

3:10pmDeidre

hmm..strange and revealing. I'm feeling so enlightened right now... lol getting more of the story than I ever thought I'd be able to piece together

lol "not like uncle david gay"...lol

3:11pmC

my dad was always sad he never really got to know you and philip because of his and les's issues....my dad is close with all the other nieces and nephews...

3:11pmDeidre

But, yeah, I can understand that.

I guess this explains why we never felt welcome at grandma's - or any of the other relatives...

3:12pmC

jason is just different.

3:13pmDeidre

I've always wondered about you guys myself and what the deal was. Now I know why, and it doesn't have much to do with us kids...

3:14pmC

that is ok ralph adopted me when i was 4yrs old.....i remember my earliest memories of grandma barnes telling me at age 4 that i needed to stop calling her grandma cause she was NOT my grandmother. she hated my mother and felt she stole my dad away and forced him into marriage and to accept another mans child as his own...

nope us kids were jsut caught in the middle between feuding adults and asmall minded matriarches

3:14pmDeidre

See, I never knew that either. I thought you were ralph's...

how true!

Hey - I've got to go get Kaleb from the bus stop - you gonna still be on in 20 min or so?

3:15pmC

nope.... i look nothing like the rest of the family

3:28pmC

lol

sorry my internet went down here at the store for a minute

3:28pmDeidre

that's fine - I had to go get my son... worked out peachy! lol

I thought I had heard that you had kid(s)...sorry, but I really don't know...

3:30pmC

i do its a long story

3:30pmDeidre

what's long about it? You had sex, and a kid resulted...lol or was it an immaculate conception...lol

3:31pmC

i was married abused divorced...dcfs court someomore...lost a child to dcfs ...husband kidnapped the youngest and i have the middle in my custody

3:32pmDeidre

oh ooops, sorry - my bad.... :( <3

I have this tendency of opening my mouth before I think...gets me in trouble from time to time...

3:35pmC

the good news is we have recently found my ex...in rochelle....

3:37pmDeidre

That is good! Is your babe with him (I hope...)? Are you going to try to get babe back? (Questions are what happens with me when I only know of you but nothing about you - I'm sorry!)

3:37pm C

yeah we are trying to get things done the legal way

yeah he has him

he will be turning 9 on june 28th....my ex kidnapped him when he was 3

3:38pmDeidre

Good! It never seems to work out right if you go about it the other way...and since your ex is at fault, he'll have some things to answer to from the courts...

And you haven't seen him since? My heart goes out to you, love!

3:39pm C

yeah i pulled up the court divorce papers and found out his new wife had been signing for my court documents for the divorce while i was staying int the womens shelter for abused women

3:40pmDeidre

Now she'll have forgery charges to deal with - what a c***!

3:42pmDeidre

How could someone do that to someone else? I just don't get it. Depriving another human of their child without just cause is so low and (I can't even find a word for it.)

How far into this whole battle with him are you?

3:57pmC

no i havent seen him and it takes alot of self control to stop me from driving out there and choking that piece of trash to death.

3:58pmDeidre

I can completely understand that - I don't think I could restrain myself, to be honest. Props to you!

Do you have any inkling as to when you might be able to see your son again?

Now, really, how am I supposed to get my assignments for tonight done when my mind is just flying around with all the "What if"s and "What should I do?"s and all this new info. I'm sure none of this makes any sense to those of you reading it, as I know this isn't a very cohesive post, but sorry. I'm reeling...